


Waves

by NalgeneWhore



Series: Elorcan One Shots [4]
Category: Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M, i dont even know yall, i mean i guess its "angst" but not really???, ill say sad times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 22:20:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21204989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NalgeneWhore/pseuds/NalgeneWhore
Summary: check out my tumblr d00dzclick dis one





	Waves

The question came in waves.

There were lulls, the calm before the storm until it crashed back down, flooding his head.

He despised the calms, the false sense of security that soothed him every time until it crested and threw itself down, down onto him, down above the walls he tried so desperately to fortify his mind with.

And yet, he craved them, he craved respite from the attack, he craved for a relief from the moments when he couldn’t distinguish anything from reality, he craved the times where he could breathe, the times when water wasn’t shoving down his throat, shoving into his lungs, drowning him under it all. 

Onyx eyes grounded him, they tethered him to the earth. Onyx eyes that revealed a fire that burned with love for him that had to be a deceit, onyx eyes that belonged to the one person he ever loved truly and wholly, with his entire being, onyx eyes that were all seeing.

They saw everything, they saw him, they saw the love that threatened to consume him, they saw the soul that was beyond shattered, they saw the waves that crashed over him. They saw the question that he yearned to voice, the deep secret that rotted away inside him, eroding his soul.

Do you still love me?

Because I wake with the fear that you will tell me that you don’t love me anymore when we’re still in bed.

Because my mind is filled with scenes of you flat lining with heart saying “I don’t love you anymore.

Her hand was stuffed into his jacket pocket, as they were walking down a cold strip of sand. The wind whipped around them, as cruel and as unforgiving as the ocean that slammed itself again and again against the earth. The sun didn’t shine this day, grey clouds filled the sky and horizon, heavy and low on the water that churned below them.

She tugged his arm and he followed up a grassy knoll. When she arrived a few feet below the summit, she dropped his arm and sat, patting the ground beside her.

“Sit, L.” He gazed down at her and got lost in her eyes, so black her pupils disappeared in the pools of liquid night. She smiled at him, warm and inviting, making her eyes sparkle like she had captured the stars for herself. She tugged on his hand with both of hers until he finally sat down beside her.

He felt her gaze on him but kept his eyes trained on the clouds above him. Her head came to rest on his shoulder as she burrowed further into his side. He felt his jacket and t-shirt hems being lifted and her cold, frozen hands looped around his hips. He shivered and glared at her.

“Devil woman.” Elide laughed at that, tears forming as she straddled his lap, cupping his face and tugging it to hers. 

“Baby, I’m sorry,” she could barely make it through, cackling once more. Her hands slid into his hair as she leaned forward to claim his lips with her own. Lorcan responded in kind, gripping her waist with his hands. “Fuck, I love you,” she whispered against his lips. He tensed, that was the thing, that was what his mind twisted, that was what his mind told him was an illusion.

Elide sensed his pause and tilted backwards from him. “What’s wrong? Did I say something?” Lorcan saw the confusion and hurt in her eyes and cursed himself for his doubt even though his mind still viciously told him that she was lying, she didn’t care, this was another one of her games. He smiled a small smile, a fake smile, a smile designed to hide but in its truth bared his soul to her. 

He smoothed her hair back from her face and said,”It’s nothing.” 

“So there is something.” Lorcan drew in a breath to speak but was cut off when she stood up and left his embrace. “Please, just tell me, let’s talk about it.”

“I can’t talk about it!” His voice was raised and he too stood now, arms splayed open and face devastated. “I can’t talk about it, I can’t, I can’t, I just can’t!”

“Why not? Why can’t you—“

“Because! Because if I say something, if I voice the darkest thoughts in my mind, they’ll become real, you’ll finally realize-” he cut himself off, on the precipice of revealing it all to her.

“What? What will I realize?” she pressed, determined to discover what had plagued his mind for weeks. He shook his head, refusing to meet her eyes, looking everywhere but at her. “Lorcan. Lorcan! Look at me. Baby, just look at me!” He dragged his eyes reluctantly to hers and she felt her heart fracture at what she saw, the pain, the hurt, the fear. She reached a hand out to hold his but he shifted out of reach. Elide let her hand fall, trying not to seem hurt by it.

“Why are you doing this?” Her voice was quiet and weak, trembling as she struggled to keep the tears in. His hands dragged through his hair, tugging on the ends. He tilted his head back to the sky.

“Because. Because I am terrified that one day you’ll decide that you don’t love me anymore. Because I am terrified when we wake in the morning, before we even get out of bed, you’ll flatline my heart when you tell me you don’t love me anymore or that you never loved me. I am so scared that you will eventually realize that I am not good enough for you and you’ll walk out of my life and take my heart with you.” He took a step forward and fell onto his knees before her, his face tilted upwards and his eyes filled with deep, never ending pain.

Tears silently tracked down his face, over his harsh cheekbones and full lips. Tears dripped onto his jacket and her jeans. Tears were mirrored on her own face at the one person she loved most in the world who didn’t think he deserved it.

She kneeled in front of him and wrapped her arms around shoulders, one of her hands cupping his neck. She held him as he wept into her hair, her own heart cracking so fully, she was sure he could feel it. “I love you.” She whispered it into his ear and his breath hitched in his throat. 

He lifted his head, his pitch eyes flooded with helplessness. “Why?”

“I’ve never been as happy as I am when I’m with you.” She had never thought about why she loved him, she just knew that no one had ever made her feel this way. “Why do you love me, L?”

“You make me forget everything.” She smiled softly at him and smoothed a soft hand over his cheek. He turned head and pressed his lips to her palm. “I love you, forever.” He breathed the words against her hand, eyes on hers, growing heavy lidded as her thumb trailed over his cheekbones.

“I love you, forever.” He stood and smoothly scooped her up only to sit back down again, her back against his chest, fingers interlocked and resting on her stomach. His head rested between her shoulder and neck, breathing her scent in.

As they sat before the ocean, happy and in love, Lorcan could no longer hear the waves crashing in his head.

**Author's Note:**

> check out my tumblr d00dz [click dis one](<a)


End file.
